Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Truth
Im afraid. I always have been . Im afraid of dying im afraid of living. Im afraid of commitment and im afraid of falling in love. Im a coward on the inside. But the outside is the total opposite. Noone sees the inside except my girlfriend who gets small glimpses when i have my breakdowns.On the outside im rough and tough. The inside im a little kid hurt and afraid. Im afraid of growing up im afraid of losing people im close to. Ive lost so many people you think i would be use to it. But no its made me build a wall and obstacle course to get to my heart so noone can get close enough. I dont like to admit my weaknesses i think they make me weak. I've been raised to open up to people but not sweat the small stuff. As i got older and i complained more i was told to get over it...thats when the wall began. Im afraid of everything and anything. But yet i dont act like it. Ive always wanted to join the military and become a soldier and protect my country. But it terrifies me. My heart tells me yes and my mind tells me no. Thats the way it is for everything except one thing. And that is my girlfriend who was originally a friend. I stole her from another friend but i did it because it was the first time my heart and my head agreed and i knew i had to know why. It was the best decision i made and it was also the scariest. I guess that was my life lesson even though something is scary it could turn out to be the best damn decision you could ever make. But im still afraid. Im afraid now of losing her, hurting her, or not being enough. But i guess i have to get over all my fears if i want to live my life the way i want.
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I can relate. I too have been horribly insecure. I dated this girl for almost 3 full weeks, before she dumped me. All of the sudden, no one would talk to me. "Maybe I smell," I thought to myself. I began showering 3 times a day. As silly as that may sound, it made sense at the time. I came home crying one day, and my dad told me to "shut the fuck up before I take off my belt, and I sure as fuck don't intend to hit you with it, either." As he dropped his pants, I broke down in tears and ran up to my room.
ReplyDeleteYou see, the moral of the story is that you shouldn't sweat the small stuff. If your girlfriend was stolen from someone else, she's probably just as easily going to be stolen from you. That being said, it's time to drop any sort of hope and embrace all your fears and insecurities. Trust me, it feels better to feel sorry for yourself.
I can fully relate to what your going through. I used to be picked on and cheated on a lot and that made me terrified. I was afraid of everything I did or said. I never cried or complained because I didn't want to show weakness because I knew I had to be strong to survive. So I completely understand what you are and have been going through because I still struggle with it today.
ReplyDeleteNow I don't agree with what juiceband said, yeah it is possible that since you took her so easily she could just as easily be taken from you. But I think it means that she like you so much that she chose you over someone else. I'm not saying everyone's safe in this situation, but I am saying not to assume the worst and just be happy that your with her. And if juiceband is right, just enjoy the time you do have with her and show her how much you care. That will make her and you very happy.
Juiceband im sorry for your insecurities but i have faith in my girlfriend and my relationship with her and Dani Forest thank you and email me
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