Sorry

I haven't been on in a long time... I went through some hard things recently, and because of them, along with other commitments, I haven't found the time to post. But I'm back. My sixth, seventh, and eighth grade experiences will be coming in the next two weeks, and ninth grade soon after, which is one of the most important posts. Point is, I'm back.

I want to apologize

To anyone who saw the last post that was made on here. I sincerely thought a boy I know wanted to help but instead he mocked everything I stand for. I'm revoking his permissions and banning him from the blog. It sickens me that anyone could even consider doing that. Point is that I'm sorry. Thank you.

Look at this!

THIS is exactly the type of thing I'm trying to fight! A boy had his arm broken just for being his unique self and doing something he enjoys GOD why are people like this?!

http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/boy-fights-bullying-for-the-right-to-cheer-22181559

Do you ever?

feel like no matter how many times you say okay or how many times you try to forget it always comes right back and makes you feel like shit? You cant completly let go of what your gut is telling you? Its the wosrt feeling in the world. Espicially since you have people depending on you too keep things the same and not say anything and just go with it. You ever feel like you've given up everything to make someone else happy? Your dignity, your trust, or evern your heart. Know people will read this and say this makes no sense you are suppose to talk about past expirences and stuff you need help with. But i cant just come out and say i need your help. I dont want to ask for help i want you to know i need it and help without making it noticeable. I dont want to feel like someone you have to "watch over" but i want you to know when im hurt or when im sad or when i need you to just hold my hand and say it is okay. I guess this is me reaching out for you to notice that i need you more than you know....alot more.

A Side Note

Hey all, I'll post about 6th grade in a few days, but I'd like to talk about what I did for myself when I went through all of this. My mom always used to tell me, "We'll do everything we ca to help you through this, but in the end it all comes down to you." I never knew what she meant, but now I do. What that means is that no matter who tries to help you or how much, if you don't try to fix things, it will all stay the same. I say that I never acted out cause I was raised not to, and that IS true, but only partially. It was also because I figured if they hated me this much, I must deserve it, so I did nothing to change things. Because of that it went on for four years, until finally I just... snapped. But that's another story. The point I'm trying to make is that no one ever does anything to make things better for themselves, to change things. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. When I went through depression, I was the typical 'Emo kid'. I dressed in all dark colors, listened to music like slipknot and disturbed. I kept a low profile at all times, and stayed away from other people, even after I got out of Cannon. It did absolutely nothing to help me, in fact it had quite the negative effect. Music like that is fine in a healthy state of mind but when you are depressed and already not doing so well, as much as you want to and it might seem to make sense you shouldn't be listening to songs about losing people and killing yourself and all the like. It only makes things worse. And also, if you FEEL isolated and alone, it might be because you make yourself appear that way, and so no one wants to be around you. Try upbeat music. When I actually tried a mental turnaround, I listened to Billy Joel and Jimmy Eat World (The Middle was my personal favorite for obvious reasons), along with Van Halen, but that was because I was made fun of for not knowing who they were originally. Also, if you're feeling like this and reading depressing poetry and literature, it WILL keep you in that mindset. Try finding something you enjoy reading, preferably something fictional and mindless that you can lose yourself in. No murder stories, no suicidal people, NO BELL JAR, try action and romance and even sci-fi if you like. From 5th to 7th grade, I must have read The Misfits by James Howe 100 times. In fact, I just reread it and I STILL love that book. For people of that age experiencing the things I've talked about, I must recommend that book. For eighth and ninth graders, Please Stop Laughing at Me by Jodee Blanco is a powerful book that, while bringing back painful memories, helped me get through. And finally, for the older grades, the last book on my to read list is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, another powerful, inspirational book that stays with me. Find your own books that have a lasting impact on you. Or pour it all into your inspiration, whether it be helping people, public speaking, sports, art, writing, or anything that helps. Everyone needs an outlet. Truly Yours, as always, Alex Cercone (cercone495@yahoo.com).

This Song Is Basically My Life

This song, Voices, is by Chris Young. I suggest everybody watch the video if they want to see what my life is like. My mom and dad went through a divorce that words cant even describe. By that I mean my dad held a gun to my mama's head. He is extremely bipolar and dont take his meds.... This is the very first time I have ever told anybody besides my best friend christopher that... It makes me extremely emotional because i was only 7 years old and i saw the entire thing happen, and II had to call the police myself. That was the worst 24 hours of my life, and knowing my dad went to jail for a week after that didnt help me at all... It was a terrible night that I never will forget for the rest of my life... I try to forget about it, but usually when I get depressed (I have mild clinical depression), I will try to drink it away by drinking and not stopping until i pass out drunk. I dont recommend that method to anyone, it never works... Anyways, this song explains my life now, because it is great.
CJKELLEY

I've had a lot of time to think....

Most of my friends know that along with my best friend Kevin, I'm taking my classes online at home. School consists of only a few hours for me and then I'm finished. Usually with nothing to do, so this has given me a lot of time to think. In the past year, I have changed a LOT. But for the better. I think some of it has to do with the school I went to. Pine Lake. Before Pine Lake, I attended my town's elementary, intermediate and middle school. It was difficult for me. I had a lot of friends and I was popular and I was on the cheerleading team but the other cheerleaders would talk crap about me and make things up that weren't true. I never knew why and I never bothered to tell my parents but somehow they found out. The only people that wouldn't make fun of me were the people that I shouldn't have been hanging out with. My parents approached me about this and they told me the reason why the other cheerleaders were talking about me is because they were intimidated. I had the second highest score at tryouts and I was "pretty." I never believed them when they told me this because I didn't believe it myself. I could point out a number of things that were wrong with me, mainly because I was getting made fun of for it. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and mild anger last year. I can control it just fine but I always knew something was wrong with me because I would break down in tears when I would get made fun of.

I understand completely how most of you feel. If you look at my last post, "My Life - Lauryn Suda," you'll be able to read the beginning of my story. It's been extremely hard for me from the beginning. It still is. Bullying is something most everyone has to deal with. But most people deal with it on a much higher level than others. Some of us are bullies ourselves. I used to make fun of other people only because I believe in "what comes around goes around" and I wanted to make sure that it happened to them because they did it to me. But once I take the time to realize how painful it was for me when I got bullied, I can only imagine what they're going through. What YOUR going through. I've caught myself whenever I begin to make fun of people and I've begun to catch my friends in the act as well. Bullying is something that we can't avoid, but we can prevent it.
I'm here if anyone wants to talk! (:
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?id=100000113533901
lsuda360@gmail.com